Welcome to Abby’s Space ….
The earth without art is just eh
All the things I never said.
After many attempts at trying to write this blog, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to sound pretentious no matter what I say. I swear it sounds a lot better in my head than it does on this screen. So please just bear with me as I try and make the dramatic over imaginative voice in my head sound somewhat real.
It took me 5 episodes of watching Rupaul’s drag race, back to back, till I realised what I wanted to write my blog on. Shameful I know but I promise you, after watching a drag queen lip-sync for her life you will not be able to hold back the diva inside of you that wants to sing along with them. 5 minutes into this show and don’t kid yourself that you wont be mouthing every single catchphrase they utter. It wasn’t until after the third time my dad came into my bedroom that night, asking me why I’m still watching women dressed as men in little outfits with large hair, that I kind of started to question it. Then I realised in the simplest of terms- its because I’m jealous of them. No, not because they are so extremely beautiful (even though that is a large large factor) but because when they are in drag they become so extremely exciting and funny and lovable. I guess for me, my form of “drag” is when I’m on stage. Its the only time where I ever feel exciting or funny or lovable or whatever else a character allows me to be. So after coming to this conclusion, I tried to relate myself to the title of my blog topic. So if I am the earth in this case, I guess what I’m trying to say is that me without art is just eh.
But before I explain that further, let me take you back to the time of little abby with her hair in bunches, most probably wearing lelli kellis and maybe her mums pearls.
When I was younger I was always known for being very quiet. I would always have my nose in a book or , a common one my mum would often use, my head in the clouds. I liked to keep my thoughts in my head and thought it was the best day of my life when I discovered I could speak inside my brain and no one would hear me. I lived for these stories that my dad used to make up for me, where I would go off on these amazing adventures with my best friend Penelope (unfortunately penelope was not real) where we could conquer terrifying ordeals and travel great distances yet, of course, still be back in time for our parents checking if we were asleep.
I know, I realise it looks like I’m just trying to recount my childhood memories for you here but I do have a point.
Just like getting lost in a book, or having the most fun travelling to imaginary lands- I quite liked being in my head. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t a shy, non sociable kid. I mean if I knew an answer in class my hand was going straight up but at the same time I wasn’t incredibly confident. I hated (and still hate) going to things where I didn’t know anyone and much preferred to listen than to talk. To fit the brackets I guess it just kinda sounds like I’m socially awkward but I promise you I am 99% certain that is not the case. It was more that I felt better keeping what I was thinking and feeling to myself, because I could never be sure how the person listening would view me after. So I started to develop this kinda filter in my head, where I could know: what to say to people that would impress, what to say to people so that they heard what they needed, what to not say, and when not to speak even if I had something to say- just purely because of the fearful unknown outcome. “People pleasing” they call it. And if we are putting it bluntly, Thats very much what it is. I Abby McCann am a big fat obvious people pleaser.
I promise it’ll start to make sense now.
On the inside I’m very much the same as I was then. Maybe I don’t seem like that, maybe I do. But I still keep just as much of my thoughts in my head as I did before. I still create imaginary situations in my head where I suddenly become fearless and tell that bitch at school how much I hated her or tell my brother properly how much I love him. I still people please – lets be honest we all do to a certain extent- the only difference is I am now extremely aware of it and am able to kind of stop myself. I tend not to say a lot of stuff. I actually don’t know what it is, kind of a mixture of sounding stupid or not being liked. So I’ll keep stuff waiting under my tongue thinking it over and over until eventually the moments gone and I decide it wasn’t worth it.
But the truth is keeping it in never really helps me. Just like people pleasing gives me this vacant personality, when I say nothing I become boring. Unless I’m really close to you, I find it really hard to keep conversations with people because in my head I get so scared I’m boring someone and i go into this like hyper drive personality thing that isn’t really me. Unfortunately its become my biggest fear- being boring.
This is why when I step on stage, as cliche as it sounds, I’m set free. Abby’s head never comes with her on stage so I’m never weighed down by my thoughts. All that energy that I keep pent up inside of me is able to be let out and I can be whoever I want. I am far from being boring and I live for that. Its things like: dancing my heart out to a filled audience but feeling like you’re the only one there, or chanting and singing and beating the ground with a group of people in a dark spires 1 that you cant even see yet never feeling closer to them, or feeling the light on your face and knowing that the moment is yours with every last word you say- moments like these where I’ve never felt more at peace. My voice is always heard and all the things I’ve never said find a way to be let go.
And so this is where I try to make everything more understandable, in the least cheesiest way possible.
The thing is we never know what anyone is thinking. No one is inside your head but you. The only you that you let people know is what you show to the world. This fear that I’m boring, that my thoughts and feelings are better kept inside than out, that they’re stupid and that no one wants to hear them. Its an irrational fear and the only stupid thing about me. Thats it. Thats the only answer to that problem. Truth is, not everyone will like you. Thats reality and its never going to change. But a personality cant be defined in one word. As you let the world see and hear more of you, you allow them to see this wide spectrum of a personality that you have. To one person, I could be boring. To another, I could be spectacular.
So really the only solution here is to stop hiding. Yes you in the back, who’s listening carefully. Put your hand up for once and speak because really the class might be a lot more intriguing if you do. Find your art and allow it to release you. I guess, its a bit like this:
Everyone knows how beautiful our earth is. But really, what is it without the beautiful architecture that has been built for us to marvel at nearly everywhere we go or the music that fills the air or the artwork that holds so much more than what we see at first glance? What would it be without us dancing or singing at the top of our lungs to fill the earth with life? Where would it be without the books or films that take us to another world or the theatre to let people enter that world? To put it briefly, the earth without art would be a boring place. Art is everywhere we go wether it be the way we style our hair in the morning to the film we choose to watch at night. Art is what makes our life exciting, what makes it worth waking up for. Really the earth can’t be without art, I mean it comes in the name. And what I’m really trying to say is I’m the same. I cant be without art. Its everything that defines me and makes me unique.Because without it I am quite literally nothing but the thoughts in my head . And up there they’re not much use to the earth now are they?